Sunday, April 01, 2007
Confessions
I have this CD by
Rihanna in my car, and I play the song where she cheats on her boyfriend over and over again. I can relate...
I am a 27 year old married woman. I married my husband when I was 21. From the outside you will assume that I am happy. We are the typical young family. I am a hardworking Banker, and he works in corporate America.
I am an alcoholic. I am a victim of child rape. I am cheating on my husband with his brother.
Since I am not going to dwell on the past, lets just say that my father raped me from the age of 6 to the age of 12 when my mother caught him she warned me not to discuss it with anyone since talking about it was "taboo". My father left when I was 14. My uncle (my mother's brother) took over from my father when I was 16 and raped me repeatedly until I told my mother. Funny enough by the age of 18 I was more sexually active than your average teenager. While my friends were experiencing their first time, I was probably going through my #70. I am not saying this to boast it is just a fact. I did it for money, for clothes, for books, for grades, for anything. I just loved the fullness I got from having a man inside me. When I have sex I am in control of the many and he is powerless. That is the way I feel, I control my what happens in bed, the only time in my life that I feel in control.
Later on I would read books that people like myself either become addicted to sex or take on some other vices. Both are my case.
I started drinking at the age of 13. I would steel beer from the fridge and smuggle wine into my room at night just to numb the pain when he would come and touch me. I got addicted to what is now known as "a night cap" and would drink even when I wasn't being molested. I loved the way that I felt with a man between my legs and alcohol in my veins.
My husband and I met when I was 20 and on vacation in Miami. We instantly started a "love affair". Well, he thought it was love, I just found it interesting that someone would be with me not for sex but because they actually wanted to be with me. He proposed six months in our relationship. I accepted. Big mistake. We got married on my 21st birthday. It was the happiest day of my life. My mother cried through out the whole time partly out of joy that someone wanted her "damaged daughter" and partly because I had found a man with "deep pockets" as they say in our world.
In case you haven't noticed I am not Nigerian. I am African-American and half Asian my mother is Asian
Life fell into a routine and at first I enjoyed the husband and nice house thing. But then I got restless. I hit it off with an old flame, one thing led to another and we got busy. My husband found out and he was furious. Three months into our marriage he wanted a divorce. We went to counselling instead.
But he doesn't trust me and I don't blame him
We had our first child, and I had to do a paternity test to determine that she was indeed the child of my husband. It was the scariest time of my life because at the time I got pregnant I had two other lovers. Don't judge me, I am addicted to sex. My baby was a victim of
FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). But she was a fighter and after six months in the hospital and many prayers she came home. Unfortunately, she caught pneumonia and died at eight months.
My husband withdrew into himself and his work, I turned to sex. I can't tell you the number of times I have lied and met up with various lover's in hotels. I can't list the number of sexual partners I have had because honestly I do not know.
After four months of no communication we decided to do a trial separation. I know I do not deserve him because two weeks into the separation he decided he wanted me back. I was already sleeping with another man at the time. My alcoholism became worse as I was either drinking, looking for a drink or having sex while drunk. I can't remember most of the three years after my daughters death as it was all a blurry mess. Sex and alcohol were my friends and my husband suffered so much but he endured. He always says "I have this image of you in my mind, and you can never fall from grace..." That breaks my heart because try as I might if I didn't have a bottle or dick, I was trying to find a way to get the bottle or the dick. It didn't matter from where or from who or where I did it. I just wanted the high of the orgasms and the numbness of alcohol. I didn't want to feel or think, I just wanted to be
In a final effort to save my life, my husband took me to a rehab center and demanded that either I get clean or he would walk. I decided to get clean. I have been sober now for 125 days not counting the few swigs of vodka I take when no one is looking.
Three months after returning from rehab, I began a serious relationship with another man, my husband's brother. I always found him attractive and now I am sleeping with him. He is the reason why I am writing you: You may have the opinion by now that my case is hopeless, well I feel it is. I just got a blood test back and it turns out that I have HIV. Yeah, I bet you saw that one coming didn't you. I bet you could have predicted it with my promiscuity. I haven't touched my husband since then. I don't know how to tell him to get tested, worse, I don't know how to tell him that I am HIV positive, worse even still I don't want him to leave me, because I don't want to die alone. How can I tell him that not only is he going to loose his brother (he tested positive for AIDS) but he is also going to loose his wife.
Posted by Passion ::
12:05 PM ::
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