Why Get Married: Men Lie Women Cheat!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

What is it?

I don't know what it is about Soji that first drew me to him. But I do know that he has become the reason that my life is what it is. I am not going to put the full blame on him afterall it takes two to tango, but then again, I am in love. And I know love makes you do strange things.

You know how you move in the same circle of friends for a while and then friendship just leads to relationship. I have known Soji since I was 5. He moved in right next door to me with his family in Staten Island. Anyone that knows Staten Island knows that it is saturated with Nigerians. Soji and I were friends. Through all the grades we were always in the same class. When I went to High School, Soji would go with me. He later moved to Texas in tenth grade with his family. Not before we snuck into his parents bed and had sex. I wanted to stop being a virgin and he wanted to have sex.

Soji and I had a few unprotected encounters and by tenth grade when his family was moving, we were sex buddies. Unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant around this time. My parents were devasted, I wasn't allowed to have an abortion but was quickly sent to my Aunty in Virginia. I had my precious daughter and was shipped back without her to my parents in NY. The next few years were a blurr. I was in high school making excellent grades and my daughter was in Virginia with my mother's sister. We only saw each other on vacations and even then I was referred to as "Aunty Bunmi". Can you imagine? My Aunty was called mommy. It was weird because the baby looked so much like Soji.

The next time we would meet, Soji came to NY for a party with some friends. We bumped into each other at a club. He didn't recognize me because he hadn't seen me in so long. But I recognized him because I saw his face everytime I got a chance to see my daughter. I was already in my Junior year of College. He was with his guys and I walked over asked him if he was Soji. He said yeah, and then I told him who I was. He was so happy to see me he grabbed and hugged me tight. Soji had grown into a very fine looking man and I was not a bad catch either. We started drinking and talking and one thing led to another. I ended up with my legs behind my head in his hotel room.

Foolish me!

THe whole time Soji was in town, the whole two weeks, I would leave class and meet up with him. We had great sex! It was the best I had had in a long while. And unlike when we were kids he actually knew what he was doing. He made me feel alive. After he left we promised to keep in touch. At first I didn't mind so much that I was his holiday lay but since I had his child, I was beginning to regret not telling him. Soji called me a few times and that was that. AFter about four months of missing my period, I decided to check again and boom, I was pregnant.

I didn't know what to do. I tried to keep it hidden and didn't want to abort. I didn't want to tell Soji because it would almost be like entrapment. I didn't know how to get myself out of the mess and I was scared if I had an abortion I wouldn't ever be able to have kids agian. Part of that whole scare tactic that NIgerian parents use.

Anyway, after the eighth month, I got kicked out of the dorm and rented an apartment. i told my parents it was becauase I was drinking. My mother came to visit saw my stomach, called my father and then the dissappointment started again. I had my second daughter at the age of 20. She was born April 8. I will never forget because when I gave birth to her, both my parents were in the hospital. They actualy supported me through labor and delivery and my daughter commmenced living with my parents. I was called Aunty Bunmi again and she called my parents mommy and daddy. She had Soji's hair and face but her eyes and temperment were all mine

Fastforward, I have two girls who call different people Daddy and Mommy by the same guy. Third year of Medical School. I bump into Soji again. This time he is with his girlfriend. He was so happy to see me and introduced me to her. He said they were in town visiting her parents. We did the usual call me sometime. Two days later, Soji and I meet up for dinner. His girl had flown back early to catch work on Monday. I don't know why Soji stayed all I know is I had sex with him again. I think I am addicted and don't know what to do. He stayed for two days and returned to Houston. This time I was sure to be on birth control. This time no more accidents. I told myself.

Soji and I kept up our friends with benefits relationship. Once his girlfriend was out of town and I flew to Houston and we fucked all over thier apartment. I was the other woman. And his baby's mama. Of course with all the sex, I had no time for school and had to retake my third year of medical school. I graduated and got a job at a hospital in Texas. Great! Now we saw each other on a regular basis. He soon broke it off with the girl and we began a relationship. I realize that I have been in love with him in some form my whole life.

We are getting married September 1, 2007. Should I tell him he has two daughters? What should I do?

Posted by Passion :: 12:22 PM :: 17 comments

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Softly Softly

Dear Passion:

I hate your blog. All it does is expose what is wrong with our culture. Why can't you write some happy stories about people whose lives have changed and have been positively affected by marriage and relationships. You use the blog world as a way to proclaim your negativity. I mean, are you even real? Are your stories really real? I doubt it. Take for instance the story of the lady with AIDS. There is no way that story is real. Then why would you post it if not to continue to tout your hatred for the institution of marriage. What have you personally against marriage and relationships that makes you a judge and allows you to point out flaws in every one's life. Personally, I have read your stories and find them disturbing and uncalled for. If you have nothing positive to say, then why blog? I have read your personal blog as well, and find it disgusting with your sexual exploits posted all over the web. I only hope that God can forgive you and I am praying for divine intervention on your behalf. Your sexual perversion and stories of cheating on your husband in your other blog are just the reason why you decide to continue to exploit broken homes and disturbed marriages. You need to do "therapy" on your own home and marriage and fix your own problems before you start preaching to the rest of the Nigerian community. These stories a gross misrepresentation of our culture, beliefs and values and I am going to start a blog based on petitioning to bring your blog down. You represent everything that is wrong with this country and the liberties it grants its citizens. Why couldn't you blog about something positive? Eh?

A fellow Nigerian who cares
About the preservation of culture

Dear fellow Nigerian who cares...:

Thank you for that extended email. Let me start off by saying that the beauty of the United States is the freedom of speech. Unlike Nigeria, where people like you get to rule and govern other people's language and dialogue. Monitoring the way information is passed and what information is passed, this government allows for freedom of speech. You have an option to come here and read the stories or just be on your merry way. Other's read and put their own comments. What then is your business whether it is real or fake. Unfortunately, because you find yourself perhaps dissatisfied in your mindless, meaningless life, you choose to pick on little old me. I am also surprised that you have such strong emotions as hate towards my blog. It is an inanimate self expression. You have issues of resentment and smallness of the mind that need to be addressed with a therapist. I feel more pity for you than I do for those that send me their stories. That is what they are honey! Stories! True or not, it is not up to me to decide. I post the emails I recieve and that is that.

I don't know how you found my "other blog" but it is private. Those who have been there know that the stories are mere insights into fantasies that I have. I have an option to share those fantasies or keep them hidden. I choose to share but to a select group of people.

Whether the stories are true or not, they are stories. And if you choose not to read then don't but don't use your small-narrow mindedness and confuse that with standing up for a cause. Honey, You have to much time on your hands to start a blog petitioning for me to be pulled off the web. I wish you all the best and better yet, I hope you come back and read some more. Hopefully, it will help you become more object and see the idiocy of your ways.

Passion

Posted by Passion :: 4:44 PM :: 7 comments

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Love is Hard

We met when I was 22 years old. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn't looking for anyone or anything to complete me. My relationship with Bayo had lasted for about 4 years and he constantly cheated on me and made me feel like dirt. He would berate me on my looks, cut me down in public. But in private he was sweet and constantly telling me loving words and making me feel loved. I stayed because I was young and didn't know any better and didn't have anyone to tell me any better. When I was in my senior year of college, I called Bayo and invited him for my graduation. He said he had to work and couldn't make it. I thought that was odd since graduation was on a Saturday. I didn't receive a call or even a present or a damn flower on my graduation day from College. I was hurt. I called Bayo that night to vent how much he had hurt me and he told me "right now, I am lying here in a pool of sweat next to these two cute bitches! This is where you should be girl. But then again, you are selfish ...." The rest of the conversation doesn't matter because shortly after, I cursed his ass out and hung up the damn phone.

So after about 4 years of struggling through that relationship I got out and it hurt. I was beginning to develop my own person and develop my strength. I had just relocated to New York and worked at a real estate company while I attended night school. Life was beginning to look up.

Starbucks was the point, May 22 was the day when I met the love of my life. We were both standing in line and I was in a hurry to get back to work because I had to show a client an apartment in Harlem. This cute guy was in the line right next to me and our eyes locked. I just glanced down out of shyness and out of coyness. He kept staring and I felt his eyes on me. When I placed my order and wanted to pay he quickly stepped in and said "I will handle that". With that being said, he pulled out a twenty and paid for my Latte.

I wasn't too impressed because Naija guys are always shelling out money to impress us so I just put a hold on that. I could tell he was Nigerian by the way he pronounced his words. So i put my game face on. Took my drink, politely accepted and left the Starbucks. I didn't want him to think because he had bought me a drink now I would be his wife!

Anyway, I am sauntering down the street and I hear his voice "you take my money and break my heart?" I glance behind me and say "I didn't ask for your money or your heart". This cute guy throws his head back and laughs. He had a wonderful laugh and a beautiful smile. I was taken by his easy grace. Not a lot of guys are this confidant around me. I sometimes give off the air of superiority and as my girlfriends say I can be very "snotty and uppity". That is the "Lagos girl" in me.

So he catches me by the elbow and ushers me across the street. We begin this comfortable walk as he introduces himself and tells me about himself. His name is Sola and he just moved here from the U.K. Joining one of his "boys" Law practices yada yada yada. I listen and nod politely but can't stop the tremendous beating in my heart because every pore in my body is enjoying the feel of his fingers on my elbow. I am barely able to stammer out my own name "Dupe". At the Lobby door to my office building he finally asks "can I have your number?" Of course you can, I wanted to scream which was weird because I usually don't react this way. I shake my head and say "can I have your number". Again he laughs, again I smile. He gives me his card with his cell number scribbled on the back. He nods goodbye and as he is leaving turns around and yells "I have finally found my wife! Thank you God". I smile and turn into the building.

Why did I spend so much time on the beginning because that was the moment that changed my life forever. We began a slow friendship. I let him know that I wasn't ready for a commitment and he let me know that he wasn't going to rush me. Two months later my father died in a car accident. Sola was there to help me through it. He came to our family home in Virginia and stayed the entire two weeks with my family and I. My mother ended up crying on his shoulder at the funeral and holding onto him as he guided her to the car. I realised on my drive home that I was falling inlove with him.

After a few weeks of contemplation, I called Sola and told him I was ready to begin a romantic relationship with him. He laughed and said "no you are not! It will happen when it happens, just be open to it happening" We kissed two nights later.

The drama started when Sola told his family about me. His father started off by asking "what does she do? Who is she? Where is she from etc" His mother wasn't having it. She didn't even want to know who I was. All she wanted to know was why her son, the lawyer didn't find some other girl with a degree. Why her son hadn't married the daughter of one her friends who was a medical doctor. Yes the same old story. Why are Nigerian mother's like this. My mother already considered Sola "her son". But his mother didn't want anything to do with me because I wasn't "a medical doctor". I resented that and still resent it today.

I told Sola, I didn't want to meet his parents. And he understood and was sorry about that. He felt that he needed to make up for his family shortcomings so we took vacations and traveled and spent holidays at my family's home. Three years into the relationship and after much drama his family finally agreed to meet me. I was a nervous wreck. Sola had asked me to be his wife, I had told him unless his family is on board I wasn't going to marry him. He in turn told his family "gain a daughter or loose a son". So here we were at his parent's home in Atlanta. I was sweating and felt like I was being watched. Sola was calm and fully at home.

His mother didn't attend the wedding. She claimed to be ill. His father was late and the ceremony started three hours late because Sola refused to get married until his father was there. For those three hours, one of Sola's aunts who thought it was smart to tell the bride what problems were happening, decided to tell me that Sola's family was trying to convince his parents to come to the wedding. Apparently the mother and father didn't want to come.

It was such a beautiful ceremony but it was tainted by the fact that his parents were not happy. In fact the number of visitors that came were not many from his side. Still we were determined. I completed my Master's program in Healthcare 2002 after two years of marriage. Sola's practice was going so well. But his family situation hadn't changed. I mean his mother would visit and then complain about everything, his father never came to our home. My mother came often and we enjoyed her stay. I did everything to please his parents. Finally I realized his family was just like Bayo. Takers, Users and manipulators. The only time they are happy is when they get what they want. So I disowned them in my mind.

We decided that financially we were at a place where we didn't need two incomes so I finally my dream, I began Medical school in 2003. I wasn't studying to be a doctor but to recieve a doctorate degree so I could work in Healthcare Administration. I graduate May 2007. I have a daughter born May 5, 2005. Since beginning school, it has been a serious transformation. His parents have become "supportive" and excited. His mother always boasts "and my daughter in Medical School is attending Harvard..." Whatever! I don't care about pleasing you or making you happy anymore. I don't go to their home and I don't go to their parties or events. I don't' call or visit. I stay in school, go to work, come home and take care of the two most important people in my life: Opeyemi (my angel) and Adesola (my prince). I visit with my mother and my siblings. Ope is allowed to visit her other side provided her father is there. But if not, she can't go to her the in laws. She is two years old and I am happy. And I just found out that we may be adding another bundle of joy to the already happy home.

That is really all that matters. The people that love you. I mean it took me going to Medical School, Harvard to boot! for them to see I wasn't a gold digger? Or whatever. They are more concerned with status and not with me.

Posted by Passion :: 2:02 PM :: 8 comments