Why Get Married: Men Lie Women Cheat!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Love is Hard

We met when I was 22 years old. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and wasn't looking for anyone or anything to complete me. My relationship with Bayo had lasted for about 4 years and he constantly cheated on me and made me feel like dirt. He would berate me on my looks, cut me down in public. But in private he was sweet and constantly telling me loving words and making me feel loved. I stayed because I was young and didn't know any better and didn't have anyone to tell me any better. When I was in my senior year of college, I called Bayo and invited him for my graduation. He said he had to work and couldn't make it. I thought that was odd since graduation was on a Saturday. I didn't receive a call or even a present or a damn flower on my graduation day from College. I was hurt. I called Bayo that night to vent how much he had hurt me and he told me "right now, I am lying here in a pool of sweat next to these two cute bitches! This is where you should be girl. But then again, you are selfish ...." The rest of the conversation doesn't matter because shortly after, I cursed his ass out and hung up the damn phone.

So after about 4 years of struggling through that relationship I got out and it hurt. I was beginning to develop my own person and develop my strength. I had just relocated to New York and worked at a real estate company while I attended night school. Life was beginning to look up.

Starbucks was the point, May 22 was the day when I met the love of my life. We were both standing in line and I was in a hurry to get back to work because I had to show a client an apartment in Harlem. This cute guy was in the line right next to me and our eyes locked. I just glanced down out of shyness and out of coyness. He kept staring and I felt his eyes on me. When I placed my order and wanted to pay he quickly stepped in and said "I will handle that". With that being said, he pulled out a twenty and paid for my Latte.

I wasn't too impressed because Naija guys are always shelling out money to impress us so I just put a hold on that. I could tell he was Nigerian by the way he pronounced his words. So i put my game face on. Took my drink, politely accepted and left the Starbucks. I didn't want him to think because he had bought me a drink now I would be his wife!

Anyway, I am sauntering down the street and I hear his voice "you take my money and break my heart?" I glance behind me and say "I didn't ask for your money or your heart". This cute guy throws his head back and laughs. He had a wonderful laugh and a beautiful smile. I was taken by his easy grace. Not a lot of guys are this confidant around me. I sometimes give off the air of superiority and as my girlfriends say I can be very "snotty and uppity". That is the "Lagos girl" in me.

So he catches me by the elbow and ushers me across the street. We begin this comfortable walk as he introduces himself and tells me about himself. His name is Sola and he just moved here from the U.K. Joining one of his "boys" Law practices yada yada yada. I listen and nod politely but can't stop the tremendous beating in my heart because every pore in my body is enjoying the feel of his fingers on my elbow. I am barely able to stammer out my own name "Dupe". At the Lobby door to my office building he finally asks "can I have your number?" Of course you can, I wanted to scream which was weird because I usually don't react this way. I shake my head and say "can I have your number". Again he laughs, again I smile. He gives me his card with his cell number scribbled on the back. He nods goodbye and as he is leaving turns around and yells "I have finally found my wife! Thank you God". I smile and turn into the building.

Why did I spend so much time on the beginning because that was the moment that changed my life forever. We began a slow friendship. I let him know that I wasn't ready for a commitment and he let me know that he wasn't going to rush me. Two months later my father died in a car accident. Sola was there to help me through it. He came to our family home in Virginia and stayed the entire two weeks with my family and I. My mother ended up crying on his shoulder at the funeral and holding onto him as he guided her to the car. I realised on my drive home that I was falling inlove with him.

After a few weeks of contemplation, I called Sola and told him I was ready to begin a romantic relationship with him. He laughed and said "no you are not! It will happen when it happens, just be open to it happening" We kissed two nights later.

The drama started when Sola told his family about me. His father started off by asking "what does she do? Who is she? Where is she from etc" His mother wasn't having it. She didn't even want to know who I was. All she wanted to know was why her son, the lawyer didn't find some other girl with a degree. Why her son hadn't married the daughter of one her friends who was a medical doctor. Yes the same old story. Why are Nigerian mother's like this. My mother already considered Sola "her son". But his mother didn't want anything to do with me because I wasn't "a medical doctor". I resented that and still resent it today.

I told Sola, I didn't want to meet his parents. And he understood and was sorry about that. He felt that he needed to make up for his family shortcomings so we took vacations and traveled and spent holidays at my family's home. Three years into the relationship and after much drama his family finally agreed to meet me. I was a nervous wreck. Sola had asked me to be his wife, I had told him unless his family is on board I wasn't going to marry him. He in turn told his family "gain a daughter or loose a son". So here we were at his parent's home in Atlanta. I was sweating and felt like I was being watched. Sola was calm and fully at home.

His mother didn't attend the wedding. She claimed to be ill. His father was late and the ceremony started three hours late because Sola refused to get married until his father was there. For those three hours, one of Sola's aunts who thought it was smart to tell the bride what problems were happening, decided to tell me that Sola's family was trying to convince his parents to come to the wedding. Apparently the mother and father didn't want to come.

It was such a beautiful ceremony but it was tainted by the fact that his parents were not happy. In fact the number of visitors that came were not many from his side. Still we were determined. I completed my Master's program in Healthcare 2002 after two years of marriage. Sola's practice was going so well. But his family situation hadn't changed. I mean his mother would visit and then complain about everything, his father never came to our home. My mother came often and we enjoyed her stay. I did everything to please his parents. Finally I realized his family was just like Bayo. Takers, Users and manipulators. The only time they are happy is when they get what they want. So I disowned them in my mind.

We decided that financially we were at a place where we didn't need two incomes so I finally my dream, I began Medical school in 2003. I wasn't studying to be a doctor but to recieve a doctorate degree so I could work in Healthcare Administration. I graduate May 2007. I have a daughter born May 5, 2005. Since beginning school, it has been a serious transformation. His parents have become "supportive" and excited. His mother always boasts "and my daughter in Medical School is attending Harvard..." Whatever! I don't care about pleasing you or making you happy anymore. I don't go to their home and I don't go to their parties or events. I don't' call or visit. I stay in school, go to work, come home and take care of the two most important people in my life: Opeyemi (my angel) and Adesola (my prince). I visit with my mother and my siblings. Ope is allowed to visit her other side provided her father is there. But if not, she can't go to her the in laws. She is two years old and I am happy. And I just found out that we may be adding another bundle of joy to the already happy home.

That is really all that matters. The people that love you. I mean it took me going to Medical School, Harvard to boot! for them to see I wasn't a gold digger? Or whatever. They are more concerned with status and not with me.

Posted by Passion :: 2:02 PM :: 8 comments