Sunday, February 04, 2007
Being Gay
Is being gay a crime?
This is a rhetorical question which I am not asking you to answer. Let me start off by saying that I don't really want anyone to sympathize or empathize with me. I am not one of those abused women you read about in Nigerian stories that Passion posts on her site. I am not neglected and didn't grow up in a broken home.
I am just GAY!
There, I have officially come out of the closet. I am a lesbian. I have been in a heterosexual relationship for all my life and have only had one lesbian encounter.
Maybe I should start at the very begining.
When I was eight years old my family moved to the United States. My father was a nurse and had lived here for many years. In fact my only relationship with my father was when he came form the U.S. to Nigeria to visit during the summer. I remember growing up that my mother shouldered the upbringing of my siblings and I for the most part. We were very close, my brothers and I. I am the eldest of five children. I have four brothers who don't know that I am a lesbian.
Later on at the age of eight my mother dragged me and my four brothers to the United States to live with my father. We attended good schools and enjoyed relationships with other Nigerians. We never stopped speaking yoruba or living within the Nigerian circle.
I had a friend who I will call Shirley. I was really drawn to her. She liked guys so I guess I liked guys too. Being the oldest and surrounded by men all the time I guess I didn't know how to react around other girls. I mean I remember the day I met Shirley. She had transfered to my class from another fourth grade class and I just sat there sweating and staring at her. She was so beautiful. When she sat next to me I remember wanting to reach out and just hold her hand.
Now that I think about it I didn't think it was odd, in fact I thought that this was a natural reaction to girls that other girls felt.
Anyway, we had sleep overs and told secrets and I trusted her. We both dated guys and I must say I didn't enjoy dating guys as much as I enjoyed being around Shirley. If she found my addiction to her odd she didn't complain. I would run home after a date and get on the phone and talk to her. And as Nigerians go we always say goodbye and I love to our freinds (male and female) so this didn't bother her or me the least.
When we hit eighth grade, Shirley decided to was time for her to have sex. I didn't much care for kissing or being touched by men let alone having sex with them. Shirley had sex with Tunde her boyfriend of three months and that was a turning point in our relationship. She didn't want to spend time with me as much. And when she did all she talked about was how she and Tunde did it, where they did it, how much she couldn't wait to sneak off and do it again!
I was jealous. I mean she was mine and here I was listening to her gush over another guy like he was better than because he had a dick!
One night Shirley was sleeping over, and we were laying in bed talking. She was telling me how good it felt to have Tunde inside of her, and I just happened to say "show me". there was a deafening silence in the room and I couldn't breath. I felt my heart beat against my throat and I knew she would bolt out the door. Shirley turned over and propped her hand up with her head "really, you want me to show you?" i nodded.
Needless to say, I lost my innocence that night. I fell in love that night. It's funny how most people loose thier virginity. I lost mine to my best friend. I actually enjoyed kissing her and letting her touch me and touching her. I know this sounds disgusting to some of you but to be honest I am not ashamed of my feelings anymore. And from the way Shirley moaned in my arms I knew she was enjoying the way I was touching her too.
The next day Shirley wouldn't look at me. I remember wanting to hug her and she turned away. We remained friends but our friendship became strained by the twelfth grade Shirley barely came over and she had a new group of friends that I wasn't even a part of, but she still called me her best friend.
During my high school years, I realized that instead of cheering for the jocks, I was anxious to see the chearleaders. Instead of checking out Denzel Washington, I was looking at Angela Basset or dreaming of Nia Long. I realized i was gay. I tried to hide it and had male suitors.
I had sex with guys and faked my orgasms. I have only had one orgasm and maybe that orgasm is a figment of my imagination. It happened that night with Shirley. I am now engaged to be married to an amazing man who I adore. I mean I love him and his sense of independence and drive.
He is a strong Nigerian man who has established himself in the U.S. and made himself a top in his field. I love his friendship and strength. I feel no passion for him though. I am not passionately in love with him. In fact I have never been in love with him. I think of him as a brother. I will do what is expected of me as the only daughter. I will get married to him because he deserves to be happy and because I can't bear to see him dissapointed or sad. I am what he wants. At least the idea that I have allowed him to think of me as is what he wants and I am going to make him happy.
Maybe this is an empty path that I have chosen, maybe this is fruitless but sacrifices have to be made.
We as Nigerians live in a culture that sees being gay as a taboo, it hurts but I have to deal with not killing my parents or anyone else with this secrete. I don't know what happened to Shirley. I hear she is not doing so good and if I could I would find her and make things okay for her. But I don't think that I could bear to destroy this Mirage that I have created. I don't think I want to hurt my husband to be.
I know what you are thinking and I don't care. This is the path that I have chosen. Maybe you can be stronger than me. Maybe you can choose a different path than me.
My name is Bisi, I am 26 years old, and I am a lesbian!
Posted by Passion ::
7:10 PM ::
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